Below is a little piece I wrote on my birthday last year. I felt the need to dig it up as a reminder to myself.

“A belated many thanks, dear friends, for the birthday greetings! If you would indulge me for a few seconds and let me share a birthday experience. . . As some of you may know, I usually take my birthday seriously as a time to hie off somewhere new and different. This year, however, I felt a celebration was futile. These birthdays, it seemed, were hurling me at an alarmingly fast pace towards middle-agedom.

Finding myself at home in NY, I thought I might as well keep with tradition and find at least something different to do. So I signed up for a meditation session at the Rubin Museum. The objective of these sessions is to focus on one piece of art and let that inform the theme of the day’s meditation. It so happened that the art in focus for the day, my birthday, was a painting of Shiva, the Hindu god of creation and destruction (note: the appropriateness of it all was what prompted this (over)sharing!). We see the handiwork of Shiva all around us – winter giving way to spring; favorite independent stores being replaced by Chipotles; the skinny jeans stretched out over our no-longer-skinny legs. The notion of impermanence permeates everything. Destruction. Creation. Death. Rebirth. It is the heartbeat of the universe. It is in everything. It is in every second. With every end of a relationship, there is a potential for a new one. With the accumulation of happy moments, there is the deepening of our laugh (age) lines. The poet Robert Frost said “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Indeed, it does.

What causes our personal suffering, however, is when we reject this certainty. When we try to cling on to what was. Or when we desperately hold on to what is, refusing room for change. We demand this of others (“You used to do this for me. Why don’t you do it anymore?”) as much as we demand this of ourselves (back-pedaling with pills/injections/sprays/lotions/potions to the days of supple skin and vernal glow). This is a wearying way to live – our finite little bodies demanding that the world stop spinning, that the universe quit beating. How exhausting. And how futile.

What we need to do is sit still, with both palms open, within this enormous river of change – one open palm to accept whatever comes, the other to release what wants to be released. Know that ALL GOES ON. There will be deaths and there will be rebirths, both big and small ones. The recognition of this impermanence of all things and the perpetual promise of a spring will help make each moment, each birthday, one to embrace.”

Friday was my last day at work. I finally said goodbye to the corporate life, to stark offices and to stodgy outfits. As I said my goodbyes and answered questions about my future plans, I found myself rattling off a whole year’s worth of trips and courses to take. “In the first two months, I’ll be traveling around Europe. Then in the summer, I’ll be doing so and so. Then by the fall, I should be in so and so. . .”

At some point, I caught myself feeling stressed out over these plans. I realized that if I was planning every single moment of every day for the next year, what for did I jump off the cliff?

As a wise friend counseled, “With all your planning, it sounds like you’re leaping from one prison (corporate life) to another (your rigid timetable). I thought you were seeking freedom?”

He was right. Up to this point, my life had been so structured. Being without a plan made me uncomfortable that I had to build some ground underneath me. But if indeed the purpose of this sabbatical was to explore possibilities, and to seek out what next, then I should be overhauling what my notions of comfort are. If I were to dance with the universe, then I should allow the universe to take the lead.

After all, we as humans are constantly evolving. Our interests and desires shift on a daily basis. So it would seem almost silly to plan 12 months out based on the person I am today.

So, while I set my intentions for the next few months, I will, at the same time, remain open to what the universe may have up its sleeve. I will. . .

• Meditate and listen intently. Some of my most profound “gut feels” happen during meditation.
• Say “Yes” to little nudges. Someone suggested checking out a particular book? Received an invite to a show? A cheap ticket to California? Yes, yes and yes.
• Explore internal curiosities. Visual design is suddenly intriguing me? I’ll check out a class.
• Let go of some of the things on the to-do list. Let go of the rigidity and embrace some chaos.
• Get comfortable with the shifting ground. As Liz Gilbert put it,

“. . . the most interesting moment of a person’s life is what happens to them when all their certainties go away. Then who do you become? And then what do you look for?. . . that’s the moment when the universe is offering up an invitation saying, ‘come and find me”

I will stay open. I will stay curious.

*Photograph by Michael Zittel @Serrbiz https://www.serr.biz/services/photographer.html

As of last Monday, I am officially resigned.

This past week, I had a ton of conversations with colleagues about my plans for the upcoming year. When I told them I was going where the wind takes me — to travel, to learn skills, to explore opportunities, and to spend time with family — I got the same reaction every time:

It starts off with the wistful look, then . . .

“I have to admit – I’m jealous”, or
“Take me with you!”, or
“Wow. I wish I could do that, too”, or
“I am going to live vicariously through you”.

Then. . .

“But I have the kids, and I don’t want to pull them out of school“, or
“But I have to pay for college”, or
“But I have alimony to pay”, or
“But I’m scared I don’t have enough savings to do that”

I get it. The journey I took from desiring a change to bold-heartedly effecting one last Monday was a very very long one. It took massive self-convincing and fear-facing to discard the mental blocks that chained me in.

I first had to realize that I didn’t have to be stuck. That the stuck-ness was my own limiting construct. (That savings could be saved. That kids will be okay in another school. . . )

And everything flowed from there.

Is there something you are raring to do but can’t seem to act on it because of fear? Embarking on a creative pursuit, perhaps, or quitting a job, or starting a business?

Tomorrow, I’m going to finally jump off a cliff and quit the job I’ve had for 10 years. In the months leading up to this, I’ve been sputtering with excitement. But last week, I found myself wrought with fear. All sorts of “what if” scenarios built up in my head and made me second guess the wisdom of my decision.

So I’ve had to use some of the tools I’ve learned over 4 years of meditating to quiet my mind and CALM THE F down. These tools help me during such situations. If you find yourself paralyzed by fear, they might help you through your paralyzing thoughts, too.

Come into the present moment. We unintentionally allow these dark fearful thoughts to take over. We get anxious and can’t see beyond this dark tunnel. When we notice ourselves being overtaken by these thoughts, it is important to come back to the present. Do this by noticing your breath and allow yourself to breathe slower and deeper; feel the sun on your skin; the ground beneath your feet. Feel that you are here. And that you’re okay.

Realize that your fears are not reality. Your fears arise from thoughts. And your thoughts arise for self-preservation. But our thoughts are constructs of our limited knowledge about the world. The world is in a constant state of flux, and what our mind tells us is safe may not necessarily be so. For example, staying at my job may not necessarily be a safer bet for me. So why not live fully, deeply and richly anyway?

Break your fears up into bite sizes. Our fears usually arise out of baseless leaps to catastrophic conclusions. For example, we think that if we quit our jobs, we’ll end up on the streets. How did we automatically jump to that assigned outcome? If we face the fear and break it down into manageable bite sizes, we realize that we have a lot more control over our lives at each step. Before we end up on the streets, we can look for a job, we can move to a cheaper location, we can move back in with mom and dad. . .

Take small steps towards the fear. And breathe. In my case, I told a colleague. Then, I started taking some personal belongings home with me. Take a small step today. Then tomorrow, take another one.

And remember that nothing is irreversible. We are always allowed to change our minds. If we decide that this decision wasn’t for us, we always have the option to change course. No one is holding us to the 5-year plan we built in our head.

And if things do go awry, as they sometimes may, know that you are supported by the universe at every single moment. You will always have the tools necessary to cope with the situation in front of you. Be silent and listen to your intuition. Be open.

There were many times in my life when fear almost held me back from doing what I wanted to do. I considered foregoing my acceptance at Columbia University in NY after the 9/11 attacks. I almost passed on giving a bridesmaid speech at my sister’s wedding. More recently, I almost cancelled my solo trip to the south of France right after the attack in Nice. Many times, I’ve forced myself to step through my fears. And not once did I regret doing so. It is during these times that internal transformation occurs.

If we force ourselves to face little fears on a regular basis, we build a powerful muscle that allows us to live richly and boldly. Isn’t that, after all, how our lives are meant to be lived? So go walk up to that stranger, take that improv class, book that solo trip. You will be rewarded abundantly for it.

My Dad was the master of the non-traditional parenting style. He was the most hands-off of any fathers I knew. He doesn’t recall how any of his kids came into this world. That’s because he wasn’t at any of our births! He will also be the first to admit that he never changed any of our diapers.

He was also never verbally expressive about love. He and I had an exchange about love ONCE. When I was particularly despondent about an unrequited crush, he counseled, “Love is like tennis. If you think about it too much, you’ll tense up. You have to let it flow.” That was the extent of love advice from Dad. And so it follows that he’s never been comfortable with ‘I love you’s. In fact, he has said those words to my Mom exactly twice — first at their wedding, and second on their 40th anniversary. Even today, when my siblings and I tell him we love him, he coughs out an “uhh. . okay” and walks away.

Despite this, I know no one who ACTS love more than he does – for his family, for the country, and for life.

Dad makes up for the non-verbals by ALWAYS holding our hands. If there are hands within reach, he’s holding them. He and my Mom have been holding hands for 45 years. He took his niece and nephews under his wing when his beloved brother passed away. He and his sister, Tita Arnie, are each other’s biggest supporters, and he constantly admonishes his children to do the same and to always always always take care of each other.

He is constantly at the service of his country and Bataan. I won’t go into what he’s achieved as a government official, but as a private citizen, he continues to establish businesses with the goal of creating jobs, providing education and bringing joy to his fellow Bataenyos.

My Dad wrings out everything that life has to offer. Nothing will stop him from doing what he wants. At 77, he’s still riding zip lines, waterfall rappeling, learning technology, and eating full fat. He has no fear. When I told him I was anxious about a decision I was about to make, he said, “Why fear? If you are living your truth and you trust (in God), there should be no fear.” And this is absolutely how he lives his life.

Happy birthday, Dad!! Thank you for showing us how to live steadfastly from the heart. Love you! [cue: “uh okay”]

As much as I’ve been tempted on many a bad day to declare “Peace Out!” and walk out of the office forever, the truth is, the Big Quit has been several years in the making.  I’ve been considering quitting my job for a very long time, and it is only this year, after about five years of rumination, that I’m actually gaining the courage to do it.  This is what I’ve been doing in the meantime.

I built up a safety net I was comfortable with. 

This was a priority for me.  Before quitting my job, I wanted to make sure that I had a big enough safety net for a reasonable worst case scenario.  I’m very risk averse, and I want to make sure that I  wouldn’t quickly find myself under financial pressure to make rash decisions.

Conventional wisdom states that you should have the amount of 6 months worth of expenses saved up before quitting your job. This assumes you will find a job (or another source of income) within 6 months.  Since I do not intend to look for a job immediately but instead, will take a few months to retool and regroup with myself, it could take a while before I see my next dollar of income.  Thus, I accumulated in savings at least 2 years worth of expenses to live off of.

In terms of the monthly expense calculation,  I added up all my basic monthly expenses (which included rent, food, utilities, cable, phone, transportation costs, gym memberships, newspaper subscriptions), as well as the variable items (dining out, shopping, travel, medical, etc) over the past 12 months.  I took the highest amount I spent over the past 12 months, and added to that additional costs I expect to be paying while unemployed (mainly health insurance and online classes).  I took this amount and multiplied by 24.  This was my target safety net before I could even consider quitting my job.

Then, I reduced my monthly expenses and my material footprint.

After assuming that I would be spending on an on-going basis the maximum amount I’ve spent over the past year and saving up based on that assumption, I shaved my monthly expenses.  I cut my cable, I put my gym membership on hold, I cancelled some news subscriptions, and I reduced my dining to half and my shopping to nil.  By being even financially lighter, I have more runway to play with.

Moreover, inspired by the minimalist movement gaining ground everywhere, I’ve decluttered and gotten rid of things I don’t use or love. I’ve donated bags of clothes, shoes, purses and accessories. I’ve donated tons of books (novels that I can get on kindle) and kept only resource books that I prefer to write on.  I am giving away pots, pans, kitchen appliances, dishes, glasses that I rarely use.

Things literally and figuratively weigh us down.  Being mindful of what I purchase will also help me reduce my monthly expenses. Moreover, while I’m embarking on a career shift, I want to be flexible with my lifestyle.  I want to be quick and nimble enough to seize opportunities in case I need to downsize apartments or move cities.

I drafted a daily plan and a short-term plan.

Quitting a job is walking away from structure.  When I quit, I’m going to have a lot of time in my hands that I can use productively or flush down the toilet.  Thus, it is important for me to set up a process and daily schedule to make sure I don’t waste my days on the couch in my pjs.  On a daily basis, I plan to wake up at the same time as if I have a corporate job, meditate, work out for an hour, then devote a couple of hours for writing and another couple of hours for on-line classes.  Every day.

In terms of my short-term goals, my plan is to use this year to retool and learn new skills.  I am curious about front-end web development and venture design.   So, I am going to take a few months to follow this curiosity, and share what I learn on this blog.

But I’m also keeping an open mind.

I believe five year plans are a thing of the past. With the pace of change in virtually every industry, the jobs we may be hoping to have in 5 years may no longer exist.  Technology is allowing us to live anywhere. Opportunities we didn’t see may present themselves. So while I may have a plan, I am keeping an open mind about my plans for Year 2 and beyond.

And most importantly, I’m preparing to hustle.

Quitting my job is going to force me to work harder than I’ve ever had to.  With no steady paychecks and no paid vacation, my future is all on me now.  We can let this thought intimidate us or energize us.  I choose the latter.

 

Five years ago, I walked out of a relationship that, measured against any conceivable standard, was a perfectly decent relationship. He was kind, generous, smart and beautiful. He handled my nagging well, was totally trust-worthy, and we hardly ever fought. Most New York women would have killed for something like it. But we also rarely laughed. You know, ugly laugh. Our sense of humor was different. And that bothered me. My friends thought I was crazy for even thinking of breaking up. But after four years of being together, I had to confront the question: do I really want to be in this forever, meaning 50 years give or take? Or should I walk away, in my late 30s, and seek the relationship I am looking for and risk being alone? Well, you know how the story ends. . . and in case you were wondering, my fears did pan out. I am still unmarried. But not once did I regret that decision.

I am about to jump off another cliff. In a month, I am going to quit my corporate job I’ve had for 10 years. A job that pays me more than I can comfortably spend, that isn’t too demanding of my time, and offers adequate mental challenge. Then why am I quitting? And why do I think you should consider it too if you’re in the same boat, thinking of a big change like quitting a relationship, a job, a career, or a city.

Because Life is Long

I will admit, it is really difficult to jump off a cliff when no one is pushing you off the ledge. No ass of a boss, no abusive relationship. But I urge you to check in with yourself every now and then and consider whether your current external situation is still in line with your internal one. Is your creative side raring to be freed but your job is anything but creative? Are you seeking a quieter, more laid-back lifestyle but the city you’re in continues to squeeze every drop of blood, sweat and tears from you? If we don’t do this, we’ll find ourselves the frog in boiling water. And yes, at work, I’ve become the frog.

Life is long. And it’s going to feel much longer if we are in a situation that we are slogging through. So why not jump? The good thing about a blessed long life is, if you crash land, you’ll have opportunity upon opportunity to dust yourself off and get back at it. Think of JK Rowling! And many others who found their success later in life. But as I was saying, failure can be part of the process. But failure carries with it invaluable lessons. And here’s another wild thought: what if instead of failing, you succeed??

And Life is Short

Going back to my planned career cliff-jump for a minute — have you ever thought about the general life path that we have been pre-programmed to take? That we are supposed to toil at our jobs until we’re 65, retire and only then start living life — take that epic trip, spend time with loved ones, start that business. Have you considered the absurdity of that plan? That we’re supposed to endure the discomfort of an unfulfilled life until retirement? But what if that day doesn’t come? Would the toil have been worth it? Of course not! Perhaps a better way to design life is to embark on (or take steps to discover it) what you really want to do so retirement becomes just a concept. Chances are you’ll blow past retirement age to keep doing what keeps you alive. Tomorrow isn’t promised, so live such that you leave it with no regrets.

You Get Rid of Your Attachments

Part of what was comforting about being in a relationship was that I was “in a relationship”. I will admit that losing that status factored heavily into my decision of whether to end my relationship. I wondered if I was ready to be “single” again. Today, the same thoughts go through my head about leaving my job. How should I respond when people ask me what I do?? And more importantly, what will they think when I say I’m “on sabbatical” or “taking a mid-life gap year”? My self-worth today is so much tied to my job in finance. I had lunch with a friend today who also spoke about this when he took a sabbatical to try a year at entrepreneurship. This can be a real issue. We use these identifiers as crutches to define who we are and measure our self-worth. By jumping off cliffs, we test our egos’ attachments to these superficial labels. We learn to confront who we are stripped bare, so that labels become like inconsequential outfits that when taken off, don’t disturb our deeper sense of self.

You Form a Better Relationship with Yourself

Of course, we never know how things will turn out after we jump off a cliff. We are never promised a turbulence-free flight. But that’s not why we do it. We do it so we can learn, so we can contribute to the world, so we can grow. And when you go through hard sh*t, you grow even more. Just make a promise to yourself that you’ll be your own biggest cheerleader. Because during trials, and sure there will be some, no one else will have your back the way you do.

And You Make Space for Magic

When you remove something from your life, you make space for something new to enter. Removing something that eats up a lot of emotional and mental space, like a relationship or a job, opens you up to magic! Jumping off a cliff is a way of telling the universe that you are trusting the universe to catch you. And when you have a firm and profound belief that the universe is working to give you what you want, it will.