wingwmn

spreading my wings and sharing random lessons learned along the way

Angel in the Subway

By ·

I made my first solid step out of NY this morning; I told my landlord I was breaking my lease. So today, I walked around the city feeling quite unmoored. What if I hate the cities I move to? What if I never find a good apartment again? What if? What if what if?

I entered the subway and took a seat. In front of me was a young man with a large sketch pad on his lap. He asked, “Can I draw you?”

I looked around, then looked back at him. He was looking at me. I shrugged, “Sure.”

We chatted a tiny bit as he drew. I told him I was from the Philippines but had been in NY for a long time. He said he had been drawing for a long time. The train crossed the Manhattan Bridge. He asked, “Do you want me to draw the view behind you?”

“No,” I said.

I watched as he proceeded to draw the view behind me — the Brooklyn Bridge, Chinatown. “I drew it anyway,” he said.

“That makes a nice going away present then,” I said. He didn’t ask me what that meant.

He then turned to complete the lower part of my portrait, hand rapidly sketching out my hair, my shoulders, and stuff around my shoulders. “I gave you wings,” he said.

“Wings??” I asked, hair on my arms standing. (Some of you may know that wings hold a special meaning for me, hence the name of this blog).

“You know, like Victoria Secret model wings,” he said defensively. He paused. Then continued, “But the message really is: Be Fearless.”

I smiled, and threw a side-wink of thanks up to the universe.

A Reflection on Change

By ·

Below is a little piece I wrote on my birthday last year. I felt the need to dig it up as a reminder to myself.

“A belated many thanks, dear friends, for the birthday greetings! If you would indulge me for a few seconds and let me share a birthday experience. . . As some of you may know, I usually take my birthday seriously as a time to hie off somewhere new and different. This year, however, I felt a celebration was futile. These birthdays, it seemed, were hurling me at an alarmingly fast pace towards middle-agedom.

Finding myself at home in NY, I thought I might as well keep with tradition and find at least something different to do. So I signed up for a meditation session at the Rubin Museum. The objective of these sessions is to focus on one piece of art and let that inform the theme of the day’s meditation. It so happened that the art in focus for the day, my birthday, was a painting of Shiva, the Hindu god of creation and destruction (note: the appropriateness of it all was what prompted this (over)sharing!). We see the handiwork of Shiva all around us – winter giving way to spring; favorite independent stores being replaced by Chipotles; the skinny jeans stretched out over our no-longer-skinny legs. The notion of impermanence permeates everything. Destruction. Creation. Death. Rebirth. It is the heartbeat of the universe. It is in everything. It is in every second. With every end of a relationship, there is a potential for a new one. With the accumulation of happy moments, there is the deepening of our laugh (age) lines. The poet Robert Frost said “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Indeed, it does.

What causes our personal suffering, however, is when we reject this certainty. When we try to cling on to what was. Or when we desperately hold on to what is, refusing room for change. We demand this of others (“You used to do this for me. Why don’t you do it anymore?”) as much as we demand this of ourselves (back-pedaling with pills/injections/sprays/lotions/potions to the days of supple skin and vernal glow). This is a wearying way to live – our finite little bodies demanding that the world stop spinning, that the universe quit beating. How exhausting. And how futile.

What we need to do is sit still, with both palms open, within this enormous river of change – one open palm to accept whatever comes, the other to release what wants to be released. Know that ALL GOES ON. There will be deaths and there will be rebirths, both big and small ones. The recognition of this impermanence of all things and the perpetual promise of a spring will help make each moment, each birthday, one to embrace.”

Finding My Pantalon

By ·

I believe there is a reason I find myself in Venice on my birthday.

Yesterday, I set out with a map in hand and an ambitious plan to explore the city.  I had a substantial list of things to see and bacari (home of cichetti, venetian version of tapas) to try.  The front desk had marked the places on my map, and I felt ready to go.

I hadn’t realized, though, that Venetian maps aren’t very accurate.  They are usually just “impressionist” reproductions of the city plan.  So, as you can imagine, attempting to reach the Accademia was a disheartening exercise.  With the countless wrong-turns and backtracks, by the time I got there, I was too tired to focus on the art.

Same story with the bacari crawl.  I insisted on searching for each one on my list, and got so lost in the process that I largely ignored the cichetti and focused on the alcohol.

After a considerable amount of time walking with my head down figuring out the map, I decided to F it and toss the map aside.  I’d just go with the flow.  And when I finally did that, I chanced upon San Pantalon, a nondescript empty church but on it’s ceiling was the most magnificent piece of art I had seen on this trip.  I stepped in the church and couldn’t help but gasp.

That’s how it’s been for me.  I’ve always had my head down towards a proverbial map of my life; always with some sort of 5-year plan.  But when I finally looked up recently, I realized I didn’t like where I was.  So this year, I decided to toss the map aside and go where the winding roads lead me.  No plan in hand.  Just dancing with the universe.  Hopefully soon, I stumble upon my Pantalon.

Solo Dining in Naples

By ·

The main reason I decided to visit Naples was to try real neapolitan pizza. Liz Gilbert (of “Eat, Pray, Love”) went to Da Michele for her pizza. On the advice of a Napolitano I met yesterday, I decided to try Sorbillo.  And ooohmygahd the stress of the experience!! I arrived right at noon, just as the doors were opening. The 70 people abandoned any semblance of a line and rushed to cram themselves through the narrow door. Think American Black Friday sale chaos! The entrance had to be managed by 3 burly and stern Italian men! I didn’t bother being civil and cut the line by attaching myself to a group of Asians. When we finally got in, I broke away and asked for a table for one. After a considerable pause, the receptionist directed me to another room “for small groups”. The receptionist in that room said he had no table for one, so he sent me upstairs. The receptionist upstairs consulted his colleague who shook his head. He was about to send me back downstairs when I put my foot down; so he shrugged and pointed to the remaining free table. As the only solo diner in the entire multi-level pizzeria, I was the subject of pitying looks from fellow diners (pointing and staring) and come-ons from my server (number requests and a kiss on the cheek(!!!)). I like to think solo dining is my jam, and I normally am immune to the fears that some people have about dining alone, but this experience tested my skills!! … BUT, about the pizza, holy gluten was it all worth it!! The crust was so thin, light, and crepe-like in the center; soft and chewy at the periphery. I had the funghi and asked for fresh greens on top. Not usually done, but might as well milk a flirty waiter. I ate the entire thing and could have had more. Pitying stares be damned.

Reasons I Heart Berlin

By ·

There is something about Berlin that draws me back.  I had never felt any particular personal connection to the city — I do not speak the language, and I barely know anyone who lives there. But there’s something about Berlin that makes it one of my favorite cities.

Undoubtedly, the city is fascinating for its rich and recent history. On my first visit 7 years ago, we did the prerequisite walk around Historical Mitte. We strolled through Unter Van Linden; visited the Brandenburg Gate, Reichstag, Museum Island, Checkpoint Charlie, Hitler’s bunker, and the Holocaust Memorial. We made our way to the East Side Gallery to see the remaining parts of the Wall. These parts of Berlin are moving and beautiful.

But it was my subsequent returns that introduced me to the Berlin that has won me over.

Absolutely Chill

Unlike the cultures of Mediterranean Europe, with their fiery sensibilities and ebullient lifestyle, Berlin is broody and gray. There
is no pressure to live la dolce vita; joie de vivre is optional. In fact, there’s a certain nonchalance to the city. “Do as you please”, it seems to say. Berliners do not hold on tenaciously to any sort of tradition — like the French or Italians are with their ways around food, for example.

Berliners are relaxed about tradition. Perhaps because, as a product of their history, there really is none? Berliners of my generation may still be figuring things out after the reunification. I think this is something to celebrate.  They city feels young and fresh.  And because of this,  Berlin seems to give everyone space to be themselves. I find that this general characteristic of the city is gentler, more comforting for visiting introverts like me who want a lot of time to reflect. There is a ready acceptance of who you are, what you look like, and what you are striving for.

Openness, Change and Progress

Berlin is a real living city that continues to grow and change. The city is welcoming of different cultures. This openness lends itself to creativity and experimentation. In many ways, Berlin reminds me of the grittier parts of Brooklyn. Neighborhoods such as Kreuzberg and Neukolln, still a little disheveled, are stirring with new ideas and the injection of new culture. I notice more international languages being spoken now than when I first visited just 7 years ago. Little boutique shops and restaurants are cropping up everywhere. There is also more variety of cuisines offered, including all sorts of hipster smoothie bars and vegan/gluten-free menus.

Minimalist Lifestyle

Berlin is not flashy. It is not pretentious, nor is it expensive. There is a less palpable chase of external accoutrements, of ambition. The aesthetic of the city is minimalist and laid back — interiors usually utilize white walls, driftwood, exposed brick. The way of dressing is similar — functional, comfortable, with clean lines. Subways are rarely crammed with ambitious corporate-types during rush hour, and restaurants rarely require NY-style lines or waitlists.

For these reasons, I would consider Berlin one of the most livable and humane cities.

Dancing With The Universe

By ·

Friday was my last day at work. I finally said goodbye to the corporate life, to stark offices and to stodgy outfits. As I said my goodbyes and answered questions about my future plans, I found myself rattling off a whole year’s worth of trips and courses to take. “In the first two months, I’ll be traveling around Europe. Then in the summer, I’ll be doing so and so. Then by the fall, I should be in so and so. . .”

At some point, I caught myself feeling stressed out over these plans. I realized that if I was planning every single moment of every day for the next year, what for did I jump off the cliff?

As a wise friend counseled, “With all your planning, it sounds like you’re leaping from one prison (corporate life) to another (your rigid timetable). I thought you were seeking freedom?”

He was right. Up to this point, my life had been so structured. Being without a plan made me uncomfortable that I had to build some ground underneath me. But if indeed the purpose of this sabbatical was to explore possibilities, and to seek out what next, then I should be overhauling what my notions of comfort are. If I were to dance with the universe, then I should allow the universe to take the lead.

After all, we as humans are constantly evolving. Our interests and desires shift on a daily basis. So it would seem almost silly to plan 12 months out based on the person I am today.

So, while I set my intentions for the next few months, I will, at the same time, remain open to what the universe may have up its sleeve. I will. . .

  • Meditate and listen intently. Some of my most profound “gut feels” happen during meditation.
  • Say “Yes” to little nudges. Someone suggested checking out a particular book? Received an invite to a show? A cheap ticket to California? Yes, yes and yes.
  • Explore internal curiosities. Visual design is suddenly intriguing me? I’ll check out a class.
  • Let go of some of the things on the to-do list. Let go of the rigidity and embrace some chaos.
  • Get comfortable with the shifting ground. As Liz Gilbert put it,

“. . . the most interesting moment of a person’s life is what happens to them when all their certainties go away. Then who do you become? And then what do you look for?. . . that’s the moment when the universe is offering up an invitation saying, ‘come and find me”

I will stay open. I will stay curious.

*Photograph by Michael Zittel @Serrbiz https://www.serr.biz/services/photographer.html

Freedom

By ·

As of last Monday, I am officially resigned.

This past week, I had a ton of conversations with colleagues about my plans for the upcoming year. When I told them I was going where the wind takes me — to travel, to learn skills, to explore opportunities, and to spend time with family — I got the same reaction every time:

It starts off with the wistful look, then . . .

“I have to admit – I’m jealous”, or
“Take me with you!”, or
“Wow. I wish I could do that, too”, or
“I am going to live vicariously through you”.

Then. . .

“But I have the kids, and I don’t want to pull them out of school“, or
“But I have to pay for college”, or
“But I have alimony to pay”, or
“But I’m scared I don’t have enough savings to do that”

I get it. The journey I took from desiring a change to bold-heartedly effecting one last Monday was a very very long one. It took massive self-convincing and fear-facing to discard the mental blocks that chained me in.

I first had to realize that I didn’t have to be stuck. That the stuck-ness was my own limiting construct. (That savings could be saved. That kids will be okay in another school. . . )

And everything flowed from there.

What To Do When You’re Paralyzed by Fear

By ·

Is there something you are raring to do but can’t seem to act on it because of fear? Embarking on a creative pursuit, perhaps, or quitting a job, or starting a business?

Tomorrow, I’m going to finally jump off a cliff and quit the job I’ve had for 10 years. In the months leading up to this, I’ve been sputtering with excitement. But last week, I found myself wrought with fear. All sorts of “what if” scenarios built up in my head and made me second guess the wisdom of my decision.

So I’ve had to use some of the tools I’ve learned over 4 years of meditating to quiet my mind and CALM THE F down. These tools help me during such situations. If you find yourself paralyzed by fear, they might help you through your paralyzing thoughts, too.

Come into the present moment. We unintentionally allow these dark fearful thoughts to take over. We get anxious and can’t see beyond this dark tunnel. When we notice ourselves being overtaken by these thoughts, it is important to come back to the present. Do this by noticing your breath and allow yourself to breathe slower and deeper; feel the sun on your skin; the ground beneath your feet. Feel that you are here. And that you’re okay.

Realize that your fears are not reality. Your fears arise from thoughts. And your thoughts arise for self-preservation. But our thoughts are constructs of our limited knowledge about the world. The world is in a constant state of flux, and what our mind tells us is safe may not necessarily be so. For example, staying at my job may not necessarily be a safer bet for me. So why not live fully, deeply and richly anyway?

Break your fears up into bite sizes. Our fears usually arise out of baseless leaps to catastrophic conclusions. For example, we think that if we quit our jobs, we’ll end up on the streets. How did we automatically jump to that assigned outcome? If we face the fear and break it down into manageable bite sizes, we realize that we have a lot more control over our lives at each step. Before we end up on the streets, we can look for a job, we can move to a cheaper location, we can move back in with mom and dad. . .

Take small steps towards the fear. And breathe. In my case, I told a colleague. Then, I started taking some personal belongings home with me. Take a small step today. Then tomorrow, take another one.

And remember that nothing is irreversible. We are always allowed to change our minds. If we decide that this decision wasn’t for us, we always have the option to change course. No one is holding us to the 5-year plan we built in our head.

And if things do go awry, as they sometimes may, know that you are supported by the universe at every single moment. You will always have the tools necessary to cope with the situation in front of you. Be silent and listen to your intuition. Be open.

There were many times in my life when fear almost held me back from doing what I wanted to do. I considered foregoing my acceptance at Columbia University in NY after the 9/11 attacks. I almost passed on giving a bridesmaid speech at my sister’s wedding. More recently, I almost cancelled my solo trip to the south of France right after the attack in Nice. Many times, I’ve forced myself to step through my fears. And not once did I regret doing so. It is during these times that internal transformation occurs.

If we force ourselves to face little fears on a regular basis, we build a powerful muscle that allows us to live richly and boldly. Isn’t that, after all, how our lives are meant to be lived? So go walk up to that stranger, take that improv class, book that solo trip. You will be rewarded abundantly for it.

A Birthday Love Letter to my Dad

By ·

My Dad was the master of the non-traditional parenting style. He was the most hands-off of any fathers I knew. He doesn’t recall how any of his kids came into this world. That’s because he wasn’t at any of our births! He will also be the first to admit that he never changed any of our diapers.

He was also never verbally expressive about love. He and I had an exchange about love ONCE. When I was particularly despondent about an unrequited crush, he counseled, “Love is like tennis. If you think about it too much, you’ll tense up. You have to let it flow.” That was the extent of love advice from Dad. And so it follows that he’s never been comfortable with ‘I love you’s. In fact, he has said those words to my Mom exactly twice — first at their wedding, and second on their 40th anniversary. Even today, when my siblings and I tell him we love him, he coughs out an “uhh. . okay” and walks away.

Despite this, I know no one who ACTS love more than he does – for his family, for the country, and for life.

Dad makes up for the non-verbals by ALWAYS holding our hands. If there are hands within reach, he’s holding them. He and my Mom have been holding hands for 45 years. He took his niece and nephews under his wing when his beloved brother passed away. He and his sister, Tita Arnie, are each other’s biggest supporters, and he constantly admonishes his children to do the same and to always always always take care of each other.

He is constantly at the service of his country and Bataan. I won’t go into what he’s achieved as a government official, but as a private citizen, he continues to establish businesses with the goal of creating jobs, providing education and bringing joy to his fellow Bataenyos.

My Dad wrings out everything that life has to offer. Nothing will stop him from doing what he wants. At 77, he’s still riding zip lines, waterfall rappeling, learning technology, and eating full fat. He has no fear. When I told him I was anxious about a decision I was about to make, he said, “Why fear? If you are living your truth and you trust (in God), there should be no fear.” And this is absolutely how he lives his life.

Happy birthday, Dad!! Thank you for showing us how to live steadfastly from the heart. Love you! [cue: “uh okay”]

Steps I’ve Taken To Prepare for the Big Quit

By ·

As much as I’ve been tempted on many a bad day to declare “Peace Out!” and walk out of the office forever, the truth is, the Big Quit has been several years in the making.  I’ve been considering quitting my job for a very long time, and it is only this year, after about five years of rumination, that I’m actually gaining the courage to do it.  This is what I’ve been doing in the meantime.

I built up a safety net I was comfortable with. 

This was a priority for me.  Before quitting my job, I wanted to make sure that I had a big enough safety net for a reasonable worst case scenario.  I’m very risk averse, and I want to make sure that I  wouldn’t quickly find myself under financial pressure to make rash decisions.

Conventional wisdom states that you should have the amount of 6 months worth of expenses saved up before quitting your job. This assumes you will find a job (or another source of income) within 6 months.  Since I do not intend to look for a job immediately but instead, will take a few months to retool and regroup with myself, it could take a while before I see my next dollar of income.  Thus, I accumulated in savings at least 2 years worth of expenses to live off of.

In terms of the monthly expense calculation,  I added up all my basic monthly expenses (which included rent, food, utilities, cable, phone, transportation costs, gym memberships, newspaper subscriptions), as well as the variable items (dining out, shopping, travel, medical, etc) over the past 12 months.  I took the highest amount I spent over the past 12 months, and added to that additional costs I expect to be paying while unemployed (mainly health insurance and online classes).  I took this amount and multiplied by 24.  This was my target safety net before I could even consider quitting my job.

Then, I reduced my monthly expenses and my material footprint.

After assuming that I would be spending on an on-going basis the maximum amount I’ve spent over the past year and saving up based on that assumption, I shaved my monthly expenses.  I cut my cable, I put my gym membership on hold, I cancelled some news subscriptions, and I reduced my dining to half and my shopping to nil.  By being even financially lighter, I have more runway to play with.

Moreover, inspired by the minimalist movement gaining ground everywhere, I’ve decluttered and gotten rid of things I don’t use or love. I’ve donated bags of clothes, shoes, purses and accessories. I’ve donated tons of books (novels that I can get on kindle) and kept only resource books that I prefer to write on.  I am giving away pots, pans, kitchen appliances, dishes, glasses that I rarely use.

Things literally and figuratively weigh us down.  Being mindful of what I purchase will also help me reduce my monthly expenses. Moreover, while I’m embarking on a career shift, I want to be flexible with my lifestyle.  I want to be quick and nimble enough to seize opportunities in case I need to downsize apartments or move cities.

I drafted a daily plan and a short-term plan.

Quitting a job is walking away from structure.  When I quit, I’m going to have a lot of time in my hands that I can use productively or flush down the toilet.  Thus, it is important for me to set up a process and daily schedule to make sure I don’t waste my days on the couch in my pjs.  On a daily basis, I plan to wake up at the same time as if I have a corporate job, meditate, work out for an hour, then devote a couple of hours for writing and another couple of hours for on-line classes.  Every day.

In terms of my short-term goals, my plan is to use this year to retool and learn new skills.  I am curious about front-end web development and venture design.   So, I am going to take a few months to follow this curiosity, and share what I learn on this blog.

But I’m also keeping an open mind.

I believe five year plans are a thing of the past. With the pace of change in virtually every industry, the jobs we may be hoping to have in 5 years may no longer exist.  Technology is allowing us to live anywhere. Opportunities we didn’t see may present themselves. So while I may have a plan, I am keeping an open mind about my plans for Year 2 and beyond.

And most importantly, I’m preparing to hustle.

Quitting my job is going to force me to work harder than I’ve ever had to.  With no steady paychecks and no paid vacation, my future is all on me now.  We can let this thought intimidate us or energize us.  I choose the latter.